Trying to get a grip on things, life, everything!
Over many months life has become so complicated, complex, chaotic. Maybe complicated is the wrong word. My life has always been complex with one thing and another, and most definitely chaotic, especially now as I am feeling the effects of my second Saturn return, (look it up if you are interested in Astrology). Overwhelming maybe? that’s closer to how I’m feeling just now. Really trying hard to get up straight with tasks, jobs, projects, reading, writing, blogging etc, etc, etc.and getting nowhere fast. In fact, feel as though I am getting nowhere at all. Feel stuck. Well and truly stuck, neither going this way nor that way. Stuck, just stuck.
Not doing very well with any of it or that’s how it seems but am doing my best to get on top of things but it feels like a never-ending battle just now, though not always but definitely more often than not. I find myself thinking of all the things I should be doing, could be doing and would be doing if I could just get my head in a good space for a good length of time. My focus and attention span is all over the place. Trying to concentrate on any one thing in particular is proving difficult, though I am working on it. All I really want to do, is stand back, take a break, breathe and start afresh. A completely fresh start, all shiny and new.
I would love to move to the coast I think, and keep dropping hints to husband but think husband is choosing not to hear me. I get it, his work is pretty much up here where we live, or not actually where we live but closer to, here than if we lived at the coast. The thing is I guess, is that I am missing my Mum so much since she passed away 8 weeks ago today. I would spend a couple of nights/days with her each and every week. My main day was Tuesday, and I would work around that with my sisters for the other day/night. Between us, we gave her 24/7 care. We worked together as a team to do this. We are lucky that there are four of us. I know this. My Mum as you may have guessed lived at the coast. She had not always lived there but had done since her late fifties which is where I am now, in my late fifties. I never realised how much I loved the coast until my reason for visiting weekly was taken away. I also never truly realised the extent of love I had for my mum. I knew I loved her, of course I did but the huge void she has left is beyond measure. Not sure what I expected to feel but at times it can feel crushing. To lose one parent is just awful but to lose the other parent is devastating no matter what age you are.
The structure of your world just topples like a falling tower. Everything changes. The family dynamics change. All of a sudden, you find that you really are the grown ups now as you and your siblings are now at the head of the family, and can no longer go to your Mum to chat over anything and everything. She is not there. Her chair is empty. That smile is just a memory. That laugh an echo in your mind. All that good advice, words of wisdom, family stories to be told no more by the person who told you. Now it is your job to advise, your turn to give the benefit of your experience, and most importantly your turn to tell the stories as they were told to you. It’s up to you now to be the lineage bearer and carry the family forward, and keep them together. Or rather it’s up to me and my sisters to do so together for we are family. It’s what our Mum would want, expect.
It’s true what they say, ‘you never know what you’ve got til it’s gone’. That notion can be applied to so many things. We often miss the fact that most of the time our treasures are right in front of us. We are so busy in our busyness that we forget to appreciate what we have.
I am sure it seems as though I am feeling sorry for myself but I am actually fine. Just missing a beautiful lady who was the original Galway girl. The feelings I describe in the first paragraph come and go. It’s a grief thing. There is no guide book on this one. You just have to deal with it as best you can which is what I am doing in my own way.
I apologise if this post is a bit all over the place but sometimes you just have to get those words out in any way that you can. You have to feel those feelings. We all feel as we feel. There is no right way or wrong way for this kind of thing. You just have to trust the process.
One thing I do know for sure, is that my Mum would want me to cheer up, smile, laugh and enjoy life, and by the grace of God, the Universe, the Creator or whoever or whatever sits at the head of the table beyond I shall do my best to live a good, happy and healthy life and make my Mum proud.
As for wanting to move to the coast, a girl can dream can’t she? You never know. Anything is possible!
If you’ve popped by and read to the end, thank you for your time. Please know that I am just fine and just needed to write something, anything. It helps!
© Liola Lee 2021
Image to right is of me with my Mum a couple of years or so back. There are not many pictures of me with my Mum as I am normally behind the lens rather than in front…