Today is the day ~ Let the day begin

Let the day begin

15th July 2010 (am)

I am sitting here in the dining room contemplating what I shall write about today. So often I just write whatever comes into my head, and wonder if what I am writing is worth writing or whether it is just meaningless nonsensical crap that no one will ever read. I determine I shall aim to write at least 500 words, after all if I am to be a writer I must in fact write. 

It is very windy outside this morning, so much so that the willow tree is swaying heavily from one side to another; a dancing yeti embracing the universe, reminding me that once again another year has passed and we have still to cut it back; something we have been promising the neighbours for the last few years. I was all set to have the tree brought under control by tree surgeons but they turned out to be rogue traders. I was not fooled for long though, and once the price started to increase I knew that they were trying to rip me off and told them so. Once they knew I was on to them, they made a hasty exit but not before they had partially butchered my beloved willow, and left an almighty mess in the back garden. 

I have decided today to try really hard to do things differently, because if I keep doing things as I have been doing them, then nothing will change, and I so desperately want things to change. I am not unhappy but I lack direction just now, and want to find a pathway to follow. I spend too much time sighing and procrastinating over things which is without doubt holding me back. Sitting here with my head held in my hands, and tapping my fingers incessantly on the table whilst looking at the screen, and willing words of wisdom to come forth does not seem to be working. I have already had three cups of coffee which is the same as always. Why oh why did I not begin the day with a lovely cup of tea? 

Anyway, today is the day for change. I have not done my Angel cards for a while so think I may seek guidance from my Angels as to what I should be focusing on today. I also need to change my hair as it is getting on my nerves. This has nothing to do with my hormones. It is simply that I have looked in the mirror and can see a follicle disaster in full swing. 

The willow tree is still waving. I do hope it does not blow down. That would be a nuisance, now to think what to do today. I must go out, as over the last few days I have been somewhat reclusive and not really ventured out unless you include the daily trips down to Sainsbury’s with Steve. We go there everyday and seem to suffer withdrawal symptoms if we miss a day. Sometimes we go down more than once a day, which some may say is a little sad. It is certainly expensive! When we buy our next house we must ensure that we are far away from the local supermarket. We go in for a couple of items and always come out with a trolley full of food that we do not need nor want really. I am not really sure when we became addicted to food shopping but never a day goes by without us making Mr Sainsbury just that little bit richer. I am sure we are their best customers.

Sammy has just been down and offered me a slice of birthday cake. I questioned why she had bought a birthday cake, “Because I like it” was the answer which I guess is a fair response. I declined on this occasion, though to be honest I was a little tempted. However, a slice of birthday cake will do nothing for my waistline or rather, nothing for that place where my waist used to be. I should go out for a really long walk with Syd, that may clear a few cobwebs. I could walk Syd and drop some papers off to the Accountants therefore achieving the completion of two tasks in one go. It might rain but if it does I shall get a bit wet, so what, a bit of rain never hurt anybody, well not unless you think about those people who get hurt in floods and things, then I guess you could get hurt but just now it is a little cloudy and a little windy, and does not look as though it will flood in the near vicinity. 

I wonder if all women nearing the menopause ponder on such trivia as I do on a daily basis. I wonder if all women sigh as much as I do, and wonder what to do with themselves when they are not cooking, cleaning, ironing, dog walking, washing up and looking after the children. Although the children in my house are all pretty much grown up or at least they are when it suits them, and they never do that much for me. It seems to be understood that it is my role or duty to do everything around the house to make everyone else comfortable and content but what about me, who will do that for me? I guess I shall have to do it for myself but it is hard to do things for myself. I have spent so many years looking after everyone else’s needs that I have forgotten how to look after my own. Today though, I shall endeavour to address this balance and put myself first. I shall aim to please myself, not for selfish reasons you understand but for my self preservation. The time has come for ME… ME… ME…

Let the day begin. 

© Liola Lee 2010

‘Today is the day’ …was a collection of musings I wrote during the Peri menopause years. It’s spoken in the first person, and was based largely on my journal entries written around that time. Journalling is a wonderful way to express this, that and whatever else needs to be said whether aloud or silently…

Today is the day …’The ‘M’ Word

I often wonder if it is just women of my age that feel like this or whether women in general do. How do I feel? Well, if I had to be specific I would be unable to say with any degree of certainty exactly how it is that I feel. Generally, I feel out of sorts, under par and running on empty for most of the time which is why each day I affirm that today is the day when I will begin again. I’m a morning person and feel at my best in the mornings which is probably why I make all my affirmations upon rising unless of course I forget and then remember later. By women of my age I mean women who are of a certain age in life having reached that stage where everything changes for better or worse depending on how you perceive such things. I am of course referring to the ‘M’ word. Here I am talking of the menopause and not menstruation or motherhood yet on reflection all these ‘M’ words have played havoc with my hormones and at times hell for those who live with me. In truth the ‘M’ word or menopause from here on in has not yet happened. I am still having periods, although this last few months they have been irregular and unpredictable. It seems I am at the peri menopausal stage; at least I am if I am to believe everything that I read, and if what I read is true then Wow!! Lucky me!  Not only can I look forward to irregular periods, the absence of which can mean I have reached the menopause or worse still I could be pregnant; I can also expect hot flushes, night sweats, memory loss, weight gain and facial hair not to mention mood swings, tears and flooding, and I do not mean wetting my knickers, although that too may be likely at some stage. On the issue of flooding please do not ask, just think about it for a moment there, and you will get the idea. Of course I could be one of those who do not get any of these, and sail through it with calm composure and smug serenity. Yeah sure…and pigs might fly, as the saying goes. I have never been one of those women who do anything by halves so why should I start now? I am most definitely one of the in for a penny in for a pound brigade.

I shall have another cup of coffee now, making it my third and most likely my final coffee of the day. There are occasional days when I do down more than my stated maximum of three but those tend to be few and far between nowadays as if I go over the limit I develop terrible uncontrollable tremors with shaking hands, and an intense stare or maybe glare, and I start gritting my teeth. My usual ritual is three. Sometimes I stop at one or even two, and it has been known on the rare occasion for me to abstain altogether but today is not one of those days. I am sure if I was out working in the general population that I would do things differently. I have not always been an ardent coffee drinker, that came later and with practice. I use to be a tea drinker in the mornings. I did not have my first cup of coffee until I was 19, not for any other reason other than I chose not to before this time or at least I think I chose not to or maybe my parents had made that choice for me, and I just went along with it because I did not know anything different. Anyway, it is not really important why I drink coffee, I just do now but once I start it is hard to stop. I wish I could stop drinking coffee altogether as these days it makes me go wee all the time. I catch myself pausing yet again at the prospect of another day spent procrastinating on how to change my life. 

Life is so strangely cyclical. At least it is for me. I am sitting here in my semi detached cage, where I have been held captive by my own self imposed limitations for the last six years and a bit. I chose to move back here some years back now, I was not forced to; it was my choice, albeit not solely my decision. The strangely cyclical thing is that I now live almost directly opposite to the house that I grew up in, and here I am some 26 years later living right back where I started. I always thought that going back would be a tonic, somewhere to heal and gather strength. Turns out that it is not such a great idea to go back in time. Of course it’s good to reminisce and remember but trying to recreate, recapture and rekindle moments from our youth can be hugely destructive for some or all even.

© Liola Lee 2010

‘Today is the day’ …was a collection of musings I wrote during the Peri menopause years. It’s spoken in the first person, and was based largely on my journal entries written around that time. Journalling is a wonderful way to express this, that and whatever else needs to be said whether aloud or silently…

Today is the day…My catchphrase

Today is the day…’ is fast becoming my catch phrase. Every morning or at least almost every morning, I announce these words upon waking, sometimes to my husband and sometimes silently to myself when I think he’s fed up of hearing me repeat them yet again.  Sometimes I determine not to say these words at all because if today does not turn out to be the day that I hope for then I will not feel as though I’ve failed, and let myself down. Each day as I see it, is a new beginning, a time for me to forget the mistakes of yesterday and start afresh today. Mondays are the best as that’s a new week too but any day will do. Only thing is I’ve been saying this for years now and I’m still just plodding on but each day when I say it I really do mean it. Perhaps each day is my groundhog day which is why I say it each morning silently or otherwise. 

Today is the day when I shall get back on track with my health and fitness, lose weight, stop drinking wine because it’s making me fat, and refrain from anything that has even the remotest amount of caffeine in it. I shall not get angry, I shall not cry, I shall not lose my temper and I shall not let the little things in life get to me nor the big things either. I shall not be negative but will try to stay positive at all times. I shall endeavour to practice mindfulness at all times. I shall be mindful of what I put into my mouth and even more mindful of what I let out of my mouth. I shall take care with my thoughts and even more care with my actions. I plan to make every minute of every day count and live each day as though it were my last and of course to be present in the here and now living the moment mindfully or at least as mindfully as possible. At least that tends to be the general plan on most days. My list reads something like a revised edition of the 10 commandments only there are more, although I hasten to add that I have not killed anyone, not yet anyway. That said, maybe I’m being a bit too hard on myself and I do rather fancy a coffee, just a small one or maybe three… just to give me a kick start, so perhaps today is not the day to give up caffeine…just everything else.

© Liola Lee 2010

‘Today is the day’ …was a collection of musings I wrote during the Peri menopause years. It’s spoken in the first person, and was based largely on my journal entries written around that time. Journalling is a wonderful way to express this, that and whatever else needs to be said whether aloud or silently…